is your mom at the bar?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
