My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
