My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
