He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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