Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
