she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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