when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
