Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
