Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
