my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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