If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
