8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
