I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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