How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
