is your mom at the bar?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Green mimosas i think yes
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
