I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
