Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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