I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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