My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
