how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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