Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
