I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
