My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
