Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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