So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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