no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
