why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
