Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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