Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
