If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
