Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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