end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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