One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
there was a trapeze. enough said
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
