so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
