he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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