I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
