he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I AM VODKA MAN
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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