Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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