Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
