he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
