I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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