Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
