Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im holly from the hills drunk
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
