wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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