Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
