I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
