The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
