what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
