Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
