you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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